This may be dumb, but have you ever felt like a bad reader?
“You belong where you're loved.”
–Cassandra Clare
Bad Writer / Reader
In the last few weeks, I have realized something—I miss writing, haha. I'm by no means an author or anything like that. But when I was a kid, I used to borrow my dad's computer and use his PowerPoint app to create small stories. Mental note: I need to ask him if he still has them to see how poorly I wrote back then.
Recently, I had a conversation about my oldest posts on Bookstagram—how I used to write about deep stuff, like the impact of the pandemic on the reading community and how books ruined my expectations for dating, etc.
Again, I'm not a writer. I like to type words that kind of make sense in my mind. I write because it's hard for me to express verbally what my head holds inside. Sometimes, I feel like I have a jumble of ideas and thoughts tangled up in my mind, but when I try to speak them out loud, I become tongue-tied and say nonsensical things. It's VERY frustrating.
I used to write a lot, but now I feel like an impostor if I write, considering there are people much more talented than me. It may sound silly, but I fear that my talent is not good enough. I feel like I'm lying to myself, thinking I can do something good. So I do nothing. I keep myself alone, even though my fingers itch and hurt from the desire to write, just because my brain says, "Stop it," "You're not good enough," and "Who are you trying to deceive?"
I'm Not Afraid
Something I've noticed is that I've also been comparing myself to the reading community as if it weren't enough to compare myself to everything else around me. An annoying voice whispers to me: "People are reading more books than you. People are buying more special editions and have a better Bookstagram aesthetics. People have more followers and posts. Do you even belong here?"
It's exhausting to listen to this voice day and night. But at the end of the day, is not either right or wrong. Yes, some people may have more followers and other things than me or you, but we have all put our heart and soul into creating Bookstagram.
Each of us had to face fear when we opened our accounts because, let's be honest, showing or not showing our faces here is scary. Exposing ourselves, even if it's because we love reading, is terrifying. It's scary because this tiny, annoying voice keeps telling us we should feel embarrassed for not being good enough readers or individuals.
I want to learn how to lower the volume of this voice. And I have to thank you more than anyone for making me want this. Thanks to books and this community, I am learning not to be afraid of being myself, showing my inner self, and being okay whether I read 2 or 100 books. More importantly, I have learned that even if I compare myself, Bookstagram is where I belong, because we belong where we feel loved.
I refuse to let my doubts hinder me. Thanks to the Cauldron for books and this incredible community, I'm learning, growing, and sharing my love for books with all of you. Let's cherish every moment and keep the passion alive. Just like Sam said, "My name is Gal, and I am not afraid." I am not afraid to work on myself.
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