We all have heard at least once in our lifetime the phrase they lived happily ever after. But have you ever wondered when was the first time someone used this to describe a relationship or if it's even real?
“The thing is, not every happily ever after needs to end with a Prince Charming.”
–Kirstin Harmel
The Story Behind the Phrase
5-year-old me still remembers being in her PJs, enjoying and watching Cinderella on VHS. I remember how at the end of the movie Cinderella got her "happy ever after" (HEA) with her Prince Charming. And since then, I've watched, heard songs, and read ceaselessly how every main character gets her/his HEA. But what happens when you live in the real world, and that phrase doesn't apply to you? What happens if life has taught you that that phrase is just pure fantasy? That you don't need a partner to find your HEA.
The exact definition from the dictionary says that HEA means "to live happily for the rest of one's life", but what does this even mean??
The first time we read about the "ever after" enchantment was in the early 1400s. Too long ago. But it wasn't until the 1700s that became popular and heavily associated with fairy tales, princesses, and princes. With the intention that after they slay the big bad guy (or evil witch), they were happy and safe in their castles. Even authors in the 1800s called this BS…
There isn't an actual person who established this mindset and standard of living, which is impossible to obtain. But after this, almost every single fairy tale ends with that phrase.
But the truth is that fairy tales like Cinderella, Snow White, and all other princess stories and their magical happy endings are a sham. Sadly, Disney has made us believe in something else. They rewrote the stories, giving the characters their happy ending. The original version of Cinderella ends in a grotesque end. I will not write the end here because I don't want to be reported, but you could Google it…
Most of our beloved fairy tales were written by the Grimm Brothers and Charles Perrault. These stories and their endings weren't as we imagined. Most of them end up with twisted and very screwed-up versions.
These authors weren't trying to scare children and adults (or at least that's what I hope for). They were sharing their cultures and documenting the folklore stories that were told in their countries. Stories told by adults to children. Each generation changes something about the story. Making them unique and special.
So, what Disney did was, take all these stories and rewrote them to make them friendlier for the general audience.
It has become so popular over the years that "ever after" has become a noun! How insane is that?! The crazy thing is that it has not only been used for fairy tales and movies but also for self-help books and as a celebration wishes for when one gets married. It has been used over and over and, for me, it has lost its true meaning. Because by over-romanticizing our lives, we can upset the balance of what is real and what is fantasy.
The Truth of HEAs in Real Life
Saying we all need something to achieve a "happily ever after" is BS. It truly is. Society tells us we need a partner and marriage to achieve ours ever after. We need to have a specific weight and look a certain way to be happy and have our HEA. That [insert any social standard] you will get yours ever after. THIS IS THE BIGGEST LIE IN HISTORY. We fervently believe that we can secure our happiness on a specific target. But it will still be out of our grasp.
Sadly, if you reach any of those standards, you will always need something else to attain that happiness. To find your "ever after". HEAs are just something society created to make desirable some ideas. To sell fantastical and charmed lives, only very few people can have them.
My dear friend @r.m told me: "We romanticize relationships so much, there's not enough emphasis on how much work both parties need to do to keep themselves and their relationship healthy and thriving. There's a happy and constantly working on it ever after."
We see daily on Instagram and social media how influencers have a "perfect and fairy-tale-like life. When in reality, we only see a glimpse of their daily routine. We only see what they allow us to see, much like in stories. In The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, Achilles says to Patroclus: "name one hero who was happy."
Please believe that I don't want this post to make you depressed, but it's something I have come to realize, and it's crucial to understand the difference.
The difference between: we need something that will make us happy forever, and we can create happy moments and know that life is a roller coaster. Sometimes we are up on the hill, having the best time of our life. And sometimes, we are at our lowest when we don't see the bright side of anything. What I can guarantee is: that EVERYTHING is temporary.
My best friend once told me that emotions and bad moments are like clouds. Some clouds are tiny, while others are big, black, and can bring thunderstorms and hail. But eventually, all clouds leave us with bright blue skies.
Bad and sad moments in our lives are like clouds. What we need to understand is that even happy moments are temporary. We need to make the most of them and enjoy and cherish them. So when we have our dark clouds, we can keep swimming.
I like books where we have more real and tangible plots. Where the characters go through stuff real people do. It breaks my heart to say this, but endings like the one we had in the Kingdom of Ash are one of the most relatable. You may be wondering "how"?
Well, first, everyone suffered and had to deal with brutal traumas. I think it's safe to say nobody got a HEA. Aelin and Rowan did end up together, but their kingdom is broken. Nearly everyone almost died in the battle. We cannot say they had a HEA because what kind of happiness could they have after a final and brutal war where people died. Where friends and family sacrificed to save another loved one.
I don't remember which book it was, but it said something like "happy endings don't exist, just happy nows". If you know the title, please DM me because I have been trying to remember the title to no avail.
This quote means a lot to me. For me, it represents what life should be about. It represents that we should cherish our happy moments. We should be thankful and happy for them, so when we're at our lowest we can remember that everything shall pass. We just need to keep swimming.
And at the same time, we need to understand and know that we do not need something else to be happy. We need to love ourselves. We need to get to know ourselves. Very cliché, but it's the truth. If books have taught us something is that we do not need a prince charming to find our HEA. We can make one for ourselves, even if it is only temporary.
Even if we know that someday somehow, a dark cloud will come. But that one too shall pass.
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