After I came across Bookstagram, I learned and realized that I was a mood reader. But I didn't know how much of a crybaby I was while reading.
“What we think to be our greatest weakness can sometimes be our biggest strength.”
–Sarah J. Maas
Crying in a [Im]perfect Society
In today's post, we'll talk about something I'm still struggling to talk over. To feel proud of. Just by typing these words, my heart is beating way too fast. My mind is thinking a million thoughts at once. Saying that people will not understand me, that I'm a weirdo, that I do not belong. So here it goes. I will talk about one of my inner demons…
In the last couple of months, crying has been a challenging topic for me. My whole life, I've been trying to show the world how strong I am. How few imperfections I have. How I am so tough, I don't cry. Not in public, anyway. To bottle up everything. But oh lordy, lord. How many rivers have I cried in the dark corners of my room at 2 am reading? How many times have I stopped breathing because I couldn't stop my tears while reading? Too many to recount.
I'm so tired of being lied to. Of being forced to hide what I feel. Because it has been shown that crying heals and helps. It means you can communicate your emotions. Connecting with people over grief, sadness, or even love. It shows you can be an empath and feel for others. So why has this made us feel like this is inappropriate?
Tears are typically triggered by an experience that is, at best, unsatisfactory and, at worst, life-altering. That is why I hate crying in public and real life.
By social standards, crying means that you are weak, vulnerable, and emotional. Society tells us that we shouldn't be too emotional and that our emotions and thoughts should be inside our heads. Stored where no one can see them. If only they knew how much harm that does to us. To the people who feel so deeply. That we understand by emotion rather than by reason. Society is trying so hard to define how we should live. How we should dress. How we should act. And it's failing. Miserably. So why are we allowing it to determine our feelings and emotions?
It has been said multiple times: Crying. Makes. You. Weak.
Crying. Makes. You. Naive.
Makes you look not cool. Makes you vulnerable.
Crying is a weakness. B U L L S H ! T!
Crying in Books
If we follow what humankind says, crying while reading is still wrong (or worse). Still a sign of weakness, because who would cry over a fictional character? But we are human, full of emotions. It is impossible to not feel a thing. We would have to be a robot to not feel our deepest thoughts.
It doesn't take much of a book to make me cry. I have low standards for crying. As I can easily tear up with a puppy appearing in an ad on TV. I realized that an author doesn't have to kill an important character to make me cry. S/he can write "normal" stuff and undeniably make me tear up. But I always do it in the dead of night, when no one can find out.
I have come to realize that I love crying while reading. I know it sounds strange and ridiculous. I do it because it is cathartic and allows my emotions to flow. It makes me feel empathy and, more importantly, feel understood. Yeah, I cry because I feel understood. I feel understood by the things these characters go through. Sometimes I forget that I'm not alone, that people can comprehend my feelings because they feel the same way.
At first, I thought something was terribly wrong with me. How could I cry because a character said they feel like carrying the world on their shoulders? Or declared their love to the MC? How could I cry over someone who doesn't even exist?!
Yes, I am TERRIFIED to say that book made me cry. I feel people wouldn't understand or that they would look at me if I had spinach on my teeth. It has taken me YEARS, to open up. To break a small hole in the huge walls I've built to protect myself. But it wasn't until I realized I wanted to be brave enough that I started unfolding piece by piece with people who I felt understood me. That made me realize I wasn't the only one. That it was alright to be a weirdo. To embrace my weirdness. To be a crybaby.
Some people don't cry in the same scenes I do, while others cry even bigger rivers. AND THIS IS NORMAL! Some people are more emotional than others. There is no right or wrong.
I love crying in books. Yes, I've said it out loud, and I don't regret it or feel ashamed. I relate to the characters and feel empathy for them. Because sometimes, even though they ride wyverns and fight demons, they go through the same stuff we mortals do. So crying is a declaration of humanity. It keeps us in touch with our human side and unites us with other people. Books are an interpretation of human experiences. They reflect the struggle we go through in life: death, love, ache, etc., so reading about this makes them feel real, and we project ourselves onto them.
I have cried with so many books. With books that are not sad, where they just vomit unicorns, love, and rainbows. But it's ok. It means I'm still human, that I'm still in touch with my emotions. That I am alive. And even if I'm still a bit ashamed to say it out loud, I am proud of crying over books. Over fictional men, I will never get to get. Over fictional friends, I wish I could have.
Crying is triggered by a variety of feelings, from sadness and anger to empathy and love. So actually, crying is a sign of strength. It means you are not afraid of showing your emotions, of bursting your glow to the world. It means you have guts. And yeah, it also means you are openly vulnerable but unafraid of it. So I suggest you never stop crying. Cry all the rivers you want. Cry because you are sad or afraid, or happy.
And it doesn't matter if you are crying because something happened or because you listen to a song, watched a movie, or read a book. If it touched a nerve, let it flow. Don't allow society to determine your life. Because crying is one of your best qualities as a human being.
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